April 20, 2009

I Don't Understand Girls

I realize I am one and as such should know what goes through their minds, but honestly… I don’t.

Having raised two sons and now a daughter, I can say with all honesty that boys are much easier. While boys are rambunctious and throw silly pranks like finding wads of paper in your hair or farting contests, I still understand them better.

Girls have the tears, drama and oh my freaking God, hormones. I was never a drama queen that cried at the drop of a hat and do not understand this behavior. I realize my not being a crier is unusual for a girl but I was a tough egg and preferred to have my raincloud in private. I want to say, “Stop blubbering and just tell me what the hell is your damn problem.” I have found that this just makes it worse.

It’s never anything really serious either. With boys they might punch the other guy, yell or break something and it’s over. Not so much with females. They will cry, call all of their girlfriends to tell them the story all over again and then cry some more, then they do the moping thing where they “just don’t want to talk about it anymore,” and then they eat stupid stuff.

I think I must really be a man and just happen to have been born with female genitalia because none of this has ever made any sense to me. First of all if I’m upset, I can’t eat and I don’t like ice cream. Second of all, I don’t call all of my friends and tell them what happened. I don’t like talking that much, especially on the phone. I’d rather write it down once and be done with it. Third, what’s with all the damn tears? Crying never solved anything.

One of my sisters is a major drama queen. She never gets a ticket because she starts bawling every time. I’d give her an extra ticket for disturbing the peace. What is it with men and tears? I have yet to find that button that instantly turns on the waterworks.

My daughter thinks I’m insensitive because I don’t cry. “You don’t care about anything.”

That’s not true. I just don’t see what good crying is going to do. Some say they feel better afterwards. Not me. My face gets all puffed up and ugly and I get a headache. My problems are still there and now I look like hell and need some Tylenol.

Oh and a little advice to Leslie Gore, if your boyfriend is ignoring you and dancing with other girls, go dance with his best friend. Crying just messes up your make up.

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