August 31, 2009

Mother Nature is Frosting My Hair and Psychotic Fall Animals

I’ve noticed a few more blond streaks in my hair. *cough* It’s not quite the shade I would have chosen but Mother Nature didn’t ask me nor does she appear to give a hoot. So I’m contemplating going to a better cosmetologist to get the color I want instead.

Perhaps that’s why our eyesight starts waning in our middle years. Not only can we not see the onset of gray hairs and wrinkles in the mirror, but it’s also not clearly evident in our significant other either. Until I flip that little reflective glass over to the magnified side I don’t at first glance realize the extra creases and silver strands that have been added overnight.

I mentioned to the old guy I sleep with that I was getting gray hairs and he looks at me and asks, “Where?”

“Right here and here.” I point them out and he looks closer squinting. I don’t see anything.

Of course the man is blind as a bat. lol

We are having an early fall and I’ve mentioned this to my kids only to be asked how I know. Well for one thing the country critters are starting their annual suicidal walk a month early.

For some weird reason when autumn is upon us armadillos, raccoons and possums start running out in front of cars. I can’t decide if they are chasing females in heat and take leave of their senses or if they scream, “I can’t take another freezing cold winter, aaaaahh!” And step out into oncoming traffic deciding to end it all.

Someone should really look into this. Perhaps we need a homeless shelter to give the poor guys a warm place to sleep or maybe they need a furry version of Prozac. This is a serious issue no one but me seems to be concerned about.

August 28, 2009

All Over The Bed

I couldn’t come up with a good title for this one.

Every once in a while I’ll watch a video and it will inspire me to write something. This video reminds me of my daughter.

It’s a really cool video; someone did a lot of work so even if you don’t enjoy the music you can at least appreciate the time and energy that went into the making of it.

I feel sorry for the guy that marries my daughter. He will have to be a tough guy or they will need separate beds.

When she was little and had a bad dream or it was storming outside she would come crawl in my bed. She wasn’t there long because she would turn sideways and kick and throw her arms around.


She would wake up oblivious to what was going on. “What?”

“You are beating me to death, go back to your own bed.”

Eventually she stopped trying because I would tell her “no” before she got one toe under the covers. Who can sleep with an octopus in their bed?

I saw a show on television about a man that fought all night every night and his wife couldn’t sleep with him. I didn’t get to see the end so I don’t recall what the doctors did for the guy if anything but it was really odd to watch this eighty something year old guy throwing punches all night. He gave his wife a black eye one time. He was always tired and never felt rested.

August 24, 2009

Gary England Groupie

Unless you are from these parts you won’t know who Gary England is but if you are a resident Okie you either love him or hate him. It’s that simple.

Gary England is our local weather man/meteorologist. Yes he’s the only one. There are no others. If you turn the channel to four or five I get flustered because I only believe Gary England’s forecast. Those other guys don’t know what they are talking about. If he takes a day off I’ll pay attention to Jed Castles because Gary trained him and he’s almost as good.

He came to my class when I was in the fifth grade, showed us maps and told us how the wind and barometric pressure affects our erratic climate here in Okie land and I was impressed.

Those other guys don’t know what they are talking about. One is from Nebraska and talks funny and the other one has a bad temper. When the weather is bad I need a calm voice not some crazy man.

I recall the great tornado of 1999 power went out across the state and television stations were even down. Rick Mitchell, an alleged weatherman, thought his station was down but not quite so. We had no visual but we had audio. Oops. The man was cussing, yelling and ordering people around like a crazy person.

On channel nine, ol’ Gary is cutting up, laughing and having a good old time. The man clearly gets off on bad weather. lol “Look at the size of that rascal?”

If a storm kicks up in the afternoon he talks directly to the kids telling them to remain calm and what to do. My kids even listen to Gary. They won’t listen to me.

“You heard Mr. England, get in the bathroom.”

People who have worked with him have nothing but good to say about him. He’s getting close to 70 and sometimes loses his train of thought but nobody cares or says a word. He is the king of that station and he’ll probably drop dead telling us to stay calm it’ll all blow over.

My husband is jealous of him and thinks I have a “thing” for Gary England. This is not true. I have never found the man at all attractive but his voice is just like my grandpa’s and I like the way he talks. He speaks my language.

Mark will say, “Your man is on the T.V. you better come watch.”

This video is typical Gary England. He makes people laugh all the time.

His famous saying is, “Jump back throw me down”.


He does this arm jerk motion and says, “Friday night in the big town.” Of course he says this every Friday night. It’s so funny because people write in if he forgets to do it so he has people behind the camera do the arm motion to remind him so his fans won’t be disappointed.

August 20, 2009

Pretty Boys Find Out Early

Girls are a lot bolder these days compared to when I was a teenager. That plus the fact that mothers work outside the home and aren’t around to keep daughters in check.

When my sons were somewhere between twelve and fourteen girls started hanging around like vultures. If my daughter acted like that I’d jerk a knot on her head.

Sex was discussed and a box of condoms were bought for each son at around this age. This was my idea. As far as I know there aren’t any little juniors in this world that look like my boys.

Why am I telling you all this, you might ask? Because one of my renters has a son that just turned fifteen and he will be a father in two weeks. That means he was barely fourteen when he impregnated her. I was afraid to ask how old she is.

My tenant said the little girl started hanging around their house and before he knew it… Well, if he had bought the boy condoms it would have eliminated this whole mess. I know they aren’t foolproof and they have to use them or they won’t work but that’s where scare tactics come in. You tell them horror stories about STD’s that make their willies fall off and how he’ll have to marry the girl and work twelve hours a day to support her and the baby and he’ll never have any fun the rest of his life. Okay, maybe I went a bit too far and perhaps that’s why I still have no grandkids but it worked.

A friend of mine has been a grandmother since nine months after senior prom. Her son who is the age of my oldest son had to marry the girl and become a man when most are going off to college. My sons also saw this and still say how much they felt sorry for him. His daddy made him marry the girl. Maybe it was right and maybe not but I see a lot of girls raising babies alone and can’t help thinking that isn’t right either. His dad told him he got her pregnant and he is responsible. He wasn’t going to have his son thought of as a deadbeat father. The baby girl is eight years old now and the spitting image of her daddy and… they are still married.

I’m not sure what I would have done in the same situation. That’s a hard call to make.

August 17, 2009

I Hate Mornings!

I am a terrible morning person. Unfortunately I live with two cheerful nuts that want to talk and ask me questions first thing in the morning. I just want to be left the heck alone.

This puzzled me and as you know my research crazed brain had to find out why I am such a bear in the a.m. I don’t even like myself. It’s really bad.

One particularly bad morning my husband asked me if I was pissed off because I had to wake up. Would I have been happier if I died in my sleep? I had to think about that one.

According to a few sites I found it’s due to low blood sugar. I knew I had this but I wasn’t aware being a butt in the early hours was a symptom. I had noticed that after breakfast and tea I am civil and can be asked ignorant questions like where is the bread or do we have any extra tissues. It’s best to not even look at me before I’ve had my sustenance. I’m not proud of it and really feel ashamed but at the same time can’t seem to help it.

I’ve heard them whispering about me, “Shh, whatever you do don’t ask your mother.”

Apparently not having any food for several hours causes the sugar levels to plummet and this makes us act ugly even to people we supposedly love.

I have conversations with myself about this, “Self, you really need to straighten up and be nicer to these people. They can’t help being silly creatures that can’t find anything. After all you hid the bread in plain open sight right there next to the toaster and you’ve only kept the tissues in the same place for fifteen years.”

Yeah, Self is a hard one to reason with. She even snapped at me the other morning. It’s really awful having to live with her but what do you do? She’s the one that does all the cooking around here.

Gwen Stefani - 4 In The Morning

August 13, 2009

Meowing Stomaches, Football Players I Didn't Date and Creepy Crawlies

I’m posting this a day ahead because tomorrow I will be busy all day painting a rent house. I also have a renter moving out due to job loss and another one that seems to be having trouble paying so I’m not sure if I will be blogging for a while. We’ll just have to see how things go.

Here’s a weird bit of info ya’ll might find funny. My stomach does not growl it meows. I have had people ask me, “Did you hear a cat?”

Then I laugh and say it was my stomach and they go, “Nuh-uh.”

My stomach makes a perfect imitation of a cat. I know it’s weird.

I got a message from some guy on Facebook who says he remembers me from high school and mentions a couple of football players I “hung out with”.

First of all, I never hung out with football players. I went out once each with a couple in my sophomore year and that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Okay that didn’t sound good. What I should have said is that we had nothing in common. There that sounds much less suggestive. Anyway, I know my memory ain’t what it used to be but I’m pretty sure I don’t know this guy. When I was in school Pam was a very common name. We had about a dozen of them. Of course I was the cutest one but I might be just a little biased.

A few of you may know that I hang out on Topix a fair bit. Okay, I’m on there “a lot”. Because of rude people and the fact that many of my MySpace friends have defected to Facebook I have considered leaving Topix and spending time on Facebook instead. It’s not as fun and I don’t think they allow some of the banter that goes on here but Topix has been giving me headaches lately. Maybe it’s the failing economy or they were raised by wolves, I don’t know, but there are some really tacky individuals on there.

Ya’ll might remember a blog I wrote a while back concerning the decreased fly population and my concern for such? Well I think I have figured out part of the reason… I have spiders. Eek! Yes. I have been cleaning spider webs and their meal carcasses from windows and behind furniture. It’s quite creepy and I don’t know how to get rid of them. What eats spiders? I know what they eat because their dinner remains are tangled in their sticky homes but what dines on them?

I have those little liquid dome-critter rid devices but they don’t seem to be ridding me of all my creepy crawlies. Maybe I need to buy some more of them. I’m not sure which is worse⎯ flies or spiders.

August 10, 2009

The Three Little Pigs, Vitamin Water and Incompetent Publishers

The other day I was driving down the road and had to swerve to keep from hitting piles of hay. Not very much further there were piles of sticks. So I looked over at Jennifer and said, “If we see piles of bricks we need to start looking for three little pigs.”

She looked at me with a blank look for a few seconds and then laughed.

I have decided that I’ve reached the age where I need to take vitamins only I don’t like swallowing great big horse pills. This must be an issue for many people because I noticed they now put an exact size picture on the front of the box so you will know just how big those buggers are. We take two Tylenol and two aspirin, why don’t they make vitamins half as big and have us take two of them? It makes perfect sense to me.

While staring at the wall of bottles I found a box of packets you pour in water and drink. Having read that vitamins don’t dissolve well in our stomachs and much of it gets flushed anyway I thought this might be a good idea. This is also another reason for making the pills smaller but they didn’t ask me. The little pictured instructions (I guess nobody wants to bother reading words these days.) shows to pour the packet into a bottle of water but I’m too cheap to buy water when I pay the city a bill every month for the same thing. So I just got a glass of water out of the ol’ tap and poured my Kool-Aid in and stirred. I’m not sure why they feel the need to add dye maybe it’s to enhance the experience. Next time I might just mix it with a glass of red wine. It’s good for me too, right?

The one I bought is put out by One A Day, those folks that have been making vitamins as far back as I can remember and it doesn’t taste too bad. It’s sweeter than I like but not unbearable. I figured it would have a vitaminy taste (Is that even a word?) but I didn’t notice. They only had one flavor at Wally World, berry, but there may be others at a store near you.

This past weekend I cleaned my sewing/writing room because my daughter decided she wants a new quilt in lavender and purple with butterflies. As I’m going through the stacks of manuscripts and other writing paraphernalia it occurred to me why I haven’t sent out any submissions lately.

I can take rejection, it’s part of the whole “I wanna be a writer” thing, but what drives me crazy is that half of the denial letters I have gotten aren’t even for my work. I realize they are busy but can they not have the decency to send out a letter with the right titles?

A couple of my published author friends told me not to take it personally and that usually means they aren’t buying anything new and aren’t really reading the stuff they are rejecting.

So anyway I shredded a bunch of stuff (I have it on USB) and recycled a bunch more and am now depressed all over again. Probably why I left the mess stacked and didn’t go through it before now. Sigh.

I think I’ll have a glass of vitamin wine.

I'm mad at Dailymotion because they have made all of their videos start up with out prompting. I don't like that. You should have the option of listening or not.

There is controversy online as to whether Bob Marley sings on this song. He toured with UB40 and sang this song with them. Whether his voice is on this recording or not, I'm not sure.

August 6, 2009

Breast Feeding Angelina Jolie Statue and Bank Robbing in the Buff

I realize that art often shows nudity and we aren’t supposed to get excited about such things but here in Oklahoma I just don’t think our children are ready for a naked Angelina Jolie breastfeeding twins.

Before I get too deep into this whole thing let me say that I nursed my babies and am an advocate for it but I’m pretty sure if I was butt nekkid while doing it a few folks would have had issues. I always covered them with a blanket and no one knew what I was doing.

In my opinion, breastfeeding is a private thing between a mother and her baby not a public display of nudity. This is why so many people have a problem with it. Women fed their babies for years without anyone knowing what was going on why now do we need to make it an exhibition sport?

An artist has made a life size bronze of the actress in all her glory with nary a stitch on. My problem is that they don’t want to put it in an art gallery somewhere. Oh no. They want it in a public park so “everyone” can see it. Personally, I’d have trouble eating my picnic lunch if I had to look at her.

This same man did a statue of Britney Spears giving birth. I wonder what park that one is in? Daniel Edwards seems to have an obsession with female stars motherhood.

Why did they choose one of the most closed minded states in the union: the buckle of the Bible belt? Why Angelina Jolie? I realize her husband is from Shawnee but she’s not from here. You know the Christians are going to picket that one.

Here’s a funny video of guys eating ice cream made from human breast milk.

On to my next nekkid story, it seems we have a man who gets his jollies robbing apartments wearing nothing but his birthday suit in Pennsylvania. They have a pretty good picture of his face so if you recognize him let the police know.

August 3, 2009

The Roses Have Thorns But They Still Smell Sweet

Another chapter in my life another word on a page and still nothing is said.

The sun is shining but it is dark inside.

Music is playing but the heart hears no joy.

I eat food but have no taste for it.

A bee sting hurts but they still bring us honey.

The heart aches but still beats with life.

Can there be love in the midst of so much anger?

Can there be peace when there is so much pain?

With death comes birth, with hate comes love, with disaster comes rebuilding, with time comes healing.

Take time to smell the roses but beware of the thorns.