August 30, 2007

Addicted to Books

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Hello, my name is Pamela and I am addicted to books.

No really, they have taken over my life. I would rather read than talk to real people.

Books don't argue or ask what's for dinner.

They don't wear clothes so I don't have to do their laundry.

Unfortunately, they do take up a lot of space. I get some from the library, but the public libraries don't always carry what I'm looking for.

I have books in every room. Cookbooks in the kitchen, books in the living room, in every bedroom, and even in the hall.

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My book shelves are overflowing, double shelved with books stacked on top.

"Where did these books come from?" My husband asks.

"Oh, I moved those from...mumble, mumble."

"What?" He asks.

So I change the subject. This only works for a little while before he says. "You know, you're going to have to get rid of some of those books. We don't have room for any more. They're taking over the house."

I turn pale and a bead of sweat forms on my forehead.

"I can't get rid of them. What if I want to read them again?"

"Well, surely, you don't need all of them." He says.

"Yeah, I do."

Don't ask me why I think I need them all. I only buy good books so it's not like I can pick out the bad ones and say I'll never read that one again.

Yes, I do read my books over and over again. It's like revisiting an old friend. You've been to their house before and you know where everything is but you still enjoy going back.

I gave away two books to charity yesterday. Phew. That's a start.

Now I can buy two more. :o)

August 28, 2007

God Love 'Em

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I get tired of people coming to my door trying to get me to come to their church.

It's not good enough that I already go to church. Oh no. It has to be their church or I'm going to hell.

Two women came to my door the other day. They both had their very long hair pulled up in a spiritual knot on the back of their heads.

They were wearing denim skirts past their knees and long sleeves.

We wouldn't want anyone to see their elbows or knees.

When I told them what church I went to they wanted to know my pastors name. When I told them they nodded to each other with a knowing look.

You see, it's a known fact here in my little town that my church has a woman preacher

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Can you believe it?

You see we Methodist are very open minded.

Some people think if you have an open mind bad information might fall inside and corrupt the good stuff.

I don't want someone telling me I have to wear special underwear, or skirts (even thought I have nothing against skirts), or that I can't cut my hair (even though I wear it long anyway).

You see I have a mind of my own and I kind of enjoy using it without someone else telling me what to think.

And you know what else? It doesn't make me any difference what religion you practise.

I'll still be your friend.

August 26, 2007

Underhanded Toilet Paper

People are funny about their toilet tissue.

Some want their toilet tissue to come off the roll overhanded.

Others will always put their tissue on the dipsenser underhanded.

Arguements have been started over this.

Overhanded people are attracted to underhanded people.

Overhanded people tend to marry underhanded folks.

How do you put the toilet tissue on the dispenser? Overhanded or underhanded?

August 23, 2007

Stephen King mistaken for a vandal

Just goes to show, no matter how famous you get there will always be someone who doesn't recognize you.

Stephen King was traveling in Australia and decided to stop in at a bookstore and sign some of his books.

Alarm was raised when onlookers thought he was defacing books.

Luckily, he was soon recognized and all was well.

King was on a private visit and wanted to keep a low profile.

His Australian distributor didn't even know he was in the territory.

August 16, 2007

May I help you?

Apparently I have "May I help you" written on my forehead.

My friend, who knows everything, says I have an approachable face.

Whatever it is, people come up to me everywhere I go asking for assistance and directions.

I must look like I know where things are and how to get just about anywhere.

Today, I couldn't get my grocery shopping done because I kept having to help someone.

"Do you know where the water softener aisle is?"

"Do you know where the travel size tissues are?"

And you know what's funny? I drop whatever I'm doing and help them find it. I've been known to go on long scavenger hunts for an item.

Too bad I'm not on the payroll.

It's not enough that I'm helping people who ask for help, oh no. I've been known to help shoppers who have a clerk already helping them.

"I thought it was over here, no, let's see...fabric dye. Where could it be?"

I'm going nuts trying to decide. Okay, do I take time out of my busy schedule to tell this new clerk where to find it or walk away minding my own business?

No...I help. "It's over in the craft department. Not the laundry department."

Maybe it's all those years when I was younger and worked for TG&Y.

I don't know, but if you're shopping and can't find something just look for me. I'll be glad to help. :o)

August 12, 2007

School Daze

Here are a list of notes teachers have received from parents:

Please excuse John from being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33

Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Please excuse Gloria, she has been under the doctor.

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Susie. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah diahoah dyah the shits.

August 9, 2007

Dancing Inmates

Have you seen the dancing inmates yet?

Some say it's cruel and unusual punishment.

The inmates say they aren't forced into it and in fact enjoy the exercise.

Twenty inmates have tatoos with Garcia's name.

In the past there would be a fight at least once a week. Garcia says it's been a year since the last fight.

He wanted a program where they would exercise an hour a day and learn camaraderie and teamwork.

Looks like it worked. :o)

August 7, 2007

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Remember in the early 80's when this cartoon first came out?

I predicted it would never make it. Their name was too long, I said. Little kids won't be able to remember the name, much less pronounce it.

Well, I was certainly wrong and now they've made a comeback.

They've recycled every other cartoon character so why not this one.

My sons just loved those crazy reptiles. They had to have Halloween costumes of their favorite TMNT character and guess who had to make them. That's right, me. We still have them in the attic; Michaelangelo and Leonardo.

There's nothing brings out the little kid in a person than to see a remake of their favorite star on the big screen.

Transformers are back too.

I'm waiting for the Smurfs to crawl out of the mothballs and join the ranks. It's just a matter of time. We've already had the Care Bears and Strawberry Shortcake.

Who was your favorite 80's character?

August 4, 2007

PBS Begathon Protocol

I am an avid supporter of and viewer of PBS.

That said...

Each show has two emcees-

One who is so excited they're about to pee their pants. They've obviously forgotten their daily dose of Ritalin and/or need to greatly reduce their caffeine intake.

The second one keeps looking at his/her hyper counterpart thinking the same thing you are but they're on national television and have to pretend everything is copacetic.

Their goal is to get you to call in and buy very overpriced copies of the show you are missing while MC#1 jumps up and down having a conniption fit.

They've got you so worked up and excited you fall all over yourself looking for the telephone.

You forget you aren't the least bit interested in the mating habits of forest elves or whether or not the BeeGees make a comeback--you just have to have that there video.

Finally, you find the telephone only to realize there is a petite teenager attached to it having a very important phone call...

"What are you going to wear tomorrow? Uh-huh--uh-huh. Well I'm going to wear_______. Yeah, Uh-huh--uh-huh. Did you see what Taylee was wearing yesterday? Oh...My...God. I about died."

Thank god for teenagers because by the time she gets finished going through all of the uh-huh's you've come to your senses and remember you really don't need the PBS video after all.

Phew. That was close.

August 3, 2007

Preserve Toothbrushes

I found a great toothbrush at Wal-Mart the other day.

They're made from recycled materials.

No, not used toothbrushes. Bottles, milk jugs and other recyclable plastics.

We are big advocates of recycling at our house and buy recycled materials when possible, especially when the product works well.

These toothbrushes are really nice. I like them better than any other I've bought in the past.

I hope you are recycling. It's up to us to do our part to save our planet. :o)

August 1, 2007

The Electric Company

Does anyone remember "The Electric Company"?

No, I don't mean the people who keep your lights turned on. I'm talking about a kids show that aired from 1971-1977.

The show taught spelling to children. It was so entertaining, children who normally didn't enjoy reading were drawn in by the fun skits and bright graphics.

Morgan Freeman was one of the main characters and my favorite. I love the funky clothes he wore.

Bill Cosby was a regular. I saw a documentary on PBS the other night about the show. It turns out Bill Cosby did the show for his thesis. He was working on his masters at the time.