May 29, 2009

Heat Makes Me Stupid and Deviated Septums

I went to an arts festival over the Memorial weekend. The temperature was in the 80’s and while that may not seem very warm to some of ya’ll, add in high humidity, wall to wall people and no breeze and it’s hard to breath. I don’t care who you are and carrying those tanks of oxygen don’t help cause the man with the tracheotomy told me so.

I’ve come to realize that when I am overheated my brain goes on vacation and I become “special.” Just put me on the short bus because suddenly I can’t think. There was a vendor with jewelry made from tiny pen and ink art of different things and one looked like Audrey Hepburn. I could not for the life of me think of her name until I got home under the influence of air conditioning and tequila and by then it was too late and I’d already made a fool of myself trying to describe her.

You know, she was in that movie about eating at a store only it doesn’t make sense because I don’t think you can really eat in a store? She has dark hair, is really skinny and dresses really great, which when you think about it doesn’t really narrow it down because most actresses are skinny and a good number of them have dark hair. Come to think of it most of them dress pretty good too. No wonder the vendor looked at me like I had Jello for brains. She’s nodding her head, smiling and thinking she’ll be glad when this crazy rambling woman moves down the way.

I also forgot my right from my left and couldn’t find my car to go home. Thank goodness for those nice security guys. I promise I only had one Corona and it was only three points on the Richter scale, which is really nothing if you think about it.

My husband had sinus surgery yesterday morning and I’m playing nurse. They had these cool paper gowns at the hospital that hook up to a blow dryer looking thingy with a vacuum hose. It had a remote control you could turn on and blow warm air inside the gown inflating it. Kind of reminded me of the Willy Wonka movie when the girl chews the gum that blows her up like a blue berry. The gown was blue too.

After we got home Jennifer was making him a smoothie, I was making him chicken noodle soup and he was hollering for a cough drop. I asked him if he needed three nurses and he said that would be nice.

May 25, 2009

You Can't Watch Sci-Fi With A Nerd

First of all, if you haven’t seen Star Trek you might want to skip this blog because there may be some spoilers.

Being married to a nerd makes watching movies and reading books a chore instead of, well, fun. When I watch a movie I don’t pick it apart and look for discrepancies but SOME people can’t enjoy a flick without analyzing the material. Gee, who cares if it makes scientific sense, it’s fiction for God’s sake.

So he gets on the phone to compare notes with his brother who is a fellow Trekky and talk at length about the inconsistencies of the movie compared to the past shows, books and movies.

There’s the little part in the Star Trek movie concerning the red matter and the fact that if a single drop can destroy an entire planet what the entire contents of the red blob would do to the universe when blown up especially since the Enterprise was in such close proximity to the afore mentioned red stuff and the fact that sending out three “things” wouldn’t make enough difference in helping the ship move through orbit quickly enough to avoid the scarlet mass. Then there are Star Trek historic discrepancies that upset them. It’s enough to make my head swim. Of course they think I’m a simpleminded woman since I enjoyed the film without asking any of these questions or seeing any flaws in the script.

I thought the movie was great and love the fact they added a bit of romance for Spock when in the old days it was always Caption Kirk who got all the action. I always liked Spock better anyway. If you are a Trekky you realize this is another glaring flaw in the script because Vulcans don’t have romances. Apparently they just procreate every 200 years or something like that because of the emotion thingy.

John Cho does a great job as Lt. Sulu There’s a great fight scene of him with some Romulan guys. The man who plays Chekov is really good and it’s fun to hear his dialogue. The letter “V” is pronounced “W” and the computer has a hard time understanding him. Priceless.

I’ve seen it twice. Yes, twice and I enjoyed it both times. If you haven’t seen it yet I highly recommend it, just try not to analyze and expect it to make sense. It’s fiction after all.

Here’s a test to see if you qualify as a Trekky nerd. I am clearly not and am okay with it.

May 18, 2009

Getting My Sillies Out

I sat in front of my computer and couldn’t come up with a thing so I decided to share some of my favorite funny videos.

Everybody loves the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Here’s a good-looking guy with clean humor. You don’t see much of that these days. He’s really funny.

This one will be more entertaining if you have watched Xmen and Watchmen or at least read the comics. I love the ending. lol

Here’s Kathleen Madigan. I love her.

May 15, 2009

I Have You Fooled

I have a confession to make, I’m not really that smart.

It’s easy to run a google search and find out names of famous people or events and impress my friends when online but meet me in person and I do well to remember my own name. Just kidding, I know who I am and if I forget there’s all those cards in my purse with reminders. One even has my picture on it.

Most of those videos I show on here are found while searching on YouTube. They have a great search engine, by the way. Target, Lowes and Home Depot could learn from their computer guys.

I learn a lot of things online from many different people. Trouble is my little brain can only hold so much information so something else gets purged, like passwords, pen numbers and that new guy’s name that’s taking Leno’s place.

My spelling isn’t so good anymore either. When I was a kid, I could spell just about anything. I even tried a few spelling bees and went quite a ways before they sprung really hard words that I am pretty sure were Tonkinese.

I have a wonderful program on my computer that checks the spelling of everything, even my comments online so it makes me look smarter than I am. My grammar isn’t always so great but hardly anyone speaks with proper English these days anyway so most people don’t notice. For that matter, no one spells words out anymore either.

My daughter sent me an email from the other room because sixteen feet is just too far to walk for a lazy teenager. It read, “diane and deze r goin to skating ring friday. Have b there 7 to 10. that ok with u?”

This child is going into the tenth grade this fall. ~shudder~

May 11, 2009

Stuff, Dust Bunnies and Treasures

Well it’s that time of year again when we go through our summer clothes and weed out the ones we don’t want or can’t wear. I have a hard time getting rid of clothes but I still buy more. Sometimes things look really good on a hanger, like works of art, but aren’t too flattering on my body. Why can’t I get rid of those clothes? Do I think they will miraculously start looking better on me?

While we are at it there’s those dust bunnies and cobwebs that have to be removed. Forget mousetraps and roach motels, where are the cob and bunny remedies? If only I could figure out how the little buggers are getting in.

I know I should get rid of more stuff but that’s easier said than done. Why do I think I have to keep this junk? Some of it was inherited and even though no one else would want it I hang on to it like they are treasures.

Speaking of treasures. I am missing MySpace friends. I have been busy and haven’t went searching for them but I know many of you have also noticed the empty holes in the continuum. People who normally appear and read our blogs are just not here anymore. I am pretty sure they are still my friends but just have other things taking up their time these days and don’t hang out here with me like they used to.

Is it this darn recession making people work harder for those pennies? Have they had to cut back and playing on the Internet was one of the first luxuries to go? Are employers cracking down on play time and readers now have to work during those nine to five hours leaving little time for MySpace friends?

Here’s George Carlin talking about that stuff we are so fond of because life is really all about stuff.

Here’s Donna Summers singing about hot stuff because we all need that kind of stuff.

Vanessa Williams is singing about the right stuff. Nobody wants the wrong stuff.

May 8, 2009

Sleeping With An Alien

Here in America we are a little bit of everything and yet you still get people who want to know what your ancestry is. They have a select group of undesirable people they won’t associate with and it changes from year to year depending on the circumstances and who we are at war with.

Back in the 80’s, you know back in the old days before cell phones, we moved out to the country because I had this big stupid puppy I found in the middle of the road and was expecting a wild child and thought the rural U S of A would be a better place to raise a boy and a dog.

Some of y’all are old enough to remember or at least maybe you learned in school about the Iran situation in which they took a group of Americans hostage. Of course everyone was against Iranians and anyone who remotely looked like their ancestors came from Iran were on the “do not associate list”.

The only Iranian person I ever knew was a guy I worked with and he was one of the nicest people you would ever meet. He was divorced from a white woman raising two white girls that weren’t even his kids. He adopted them and when he and the Mrs. separated the girls wanted to stay with him. He was always on his cell phone with one of them or his momma back in Iran. Not sure about his husband credentials, but as far as I could tell he was a good daddy and son.

After my son was a few months old I thought I’d go meet some of my neighbors since none of them had introduced themselves to me, unless of course you count the man across the street who shot my dog, but that’s another blog.

There was a woman down the way who looked close to my age. So I thought I would try her house first.

The first words out of her mouth when she answered the door were, “Oh, you’re the one married to that Iranian.” I kid you not.

I go, “What?”

She says, “Isn’t your husband an Iranian?”

“Uh… no.”

“Oh, that’s a relief, you know my husband said he looked Mexican, but I thought he looked Iranian. You can’t be too careful these days.”

What the hell? Did she think we moved in to take them hostage?

After that he shaved his mustache and never grew another one. Thank goodness Native Americans weren’t on the “do not associate” list.

Every once in a while people will ask my oldest or me what nationality he is. They never question my youngest son because he looks white (ssh, he’s the milkman’s kid), but they are all very curious about Nicholas. “What is his daddy?”

Uh… a man? At least that’s what he told me but for all I know he could be a Martian. You know I hear they have been invading our planet unbeknownst to us. I could be sleeping with an alien. I’m pretty sure I’ve been probed a few times.

The Doors-Wild Child:

May 4, 2009

Pregnant Women Have Lost Their Minds

In case you haven’t talked to anyone that is expecting a baby you might not be up on the new lingo. First of all, no one is five months pregnant anymore. They are however many weeks add up to five months. To a math challenged individual like myself this can be very confusing. What the hell happened to months? What’s next? Counting days? Now I gotta get out my calculator.

I realize there are a few new things going on in the world like test tube babies, surrogate mothers and women having litters but for the most part you get pregnant the same way and they come out the same way.

One thing that drives me nuts is when people say, “we’re pregnant.” Really? So does he take his turn carrying the little bladder puncher? Does he have to go to the bathroom fifty times a day? Is he eating peanut butter and dill pickle on a Ritz cracker like it’s delicious when he hates pickles? Does he get crazy mood swings that make him cry for no apparent reason other than the fact he’s locked the keys in the car for the third time this month and had to call his wife from work because a lock smith charges a fortune? Has he gained so much weight he looks like a beached whale? I didn’t think so.

Let him push a baby out of his pee hole and then he can say, “We’re pregnant.”

What’s up with pregnant girls wearing belly blouses? Do they really think that’s sexy? Are they trying to pick up men? Honey, I think that’s what got you in this shape to begin with. Didn’t you learn your lesson? Now go put some clothes on, some of us are trying to eat.

And stop giving your babies stupid names! These were recently seen on the latest census report. What are people thinking? I would not be able to yell to little Wanna Funk or Sexy Chambers for dinner with a straight face.

Wanna Funk
United States
Lotta Bacon
Hysteria Johnson
Waitress Seholley
Nail Rambo
Jump Jump
Tackle Feigenbutz
Mustard M.Mustard
Jelly Bean Cook
Fat Meat Fields
Geography Bryan
Zero Pie
Cylinder Klinefelter
Nice Veal
Cylclops Walthour
Envy Burger
Cancer Grindstaff
Young Boozer
Dracula Taylor
Peach Skeeters
Watermelon Pete McNeil
Experience Fairweathers
Limbo Holloway
Bluebell Plopper
Beauty Outlaw
Darth Wilson
Christian Devil
Welcome Darling
Sexy Chambers
Love Catts
Permelia Buckaroo

Paul Anka- Having My Baby: