June 28, 2009

Are You Crazy?

Last year my friend Patrick and his wife went to the Grand Canyon during the hottest part of summer. I teased him about it and thought they were crazy going to the desert that time of year. Well, guess who’s going to New Mexico the first week of July? Yep, I’m just as crazy.

Some friends of ours went to Roswell during the wintertime and they said it was a cool place to visit. They went to the UFO museum and said it was a must see experience: lots of cool alien stuff.

We planned to go in June before it got kiln temperatures but when I Googled the town I discovered they have a big convention with a festival around Independence Day. Well, I thought… how cool is that?

Anyway as you can see from the website there are also your obligatory religious folks campaigning against the evils of believing in alien life forms and how we are going to hell if we believe any of it. My son Matthew said I should get a sign and pretend to be one of those guys. lol I think I’d rather dress up as a Cardassian and act like I’m trying to recruit them to come to my planet. “We have a ship leaving in the morning, won’t you come?”


Speaking of Cardassians is it just me or does anyone else think of Cardassians when you hear the name Kim Kardashian? I’ve probably just watched too many Star Trek shows but I wonder if she is an alien just sneaking around collecting information. A little plastic surgery to remove the bumps, change the spelling of her name just a tad. No? Okay, forget I asked that one.

I’d much rather dress up as a Vulcan but seeing as how their planet got blown up by that bad guy I can’t very well enlist people to join me.


Hey, I believe there are other people out there. The universe is too darn big to hold only us. I just don’t think we have traveled far enough to meet them yet. Maybe they’ve already been here and found out we are really messed up neighbors and they would rather stay in their own little galaxy away from life forms that kill each other on their own turf. If we can’t get along with each other how are we going to get along with someone from another planet? (I can see people deleting me as a friend as I speak. lol)

Seriously, I’m not a nut, but do find it interesting and something to think about. I’m not saying there are other life forms out there but stay open minded about the whole thing.

While we are there we are going to check out the Carl’s Bad cave. Should be comfortable temperatures since it’s underground.

I’ll probably return looking like a lobster unless the aliens get me. In that case, live long and prosper. ;o)

June 26, 2009

You Think English Is Easy?

The next time you see a foreigner struggling with our language or one that’s speaking their own tongue remember this blog. I didn’t write this, a friend sent it to me but I thought it was really great. (I did do a bit of editing.)

I personally have trouble with words that start with the letter “I” or “E”. Like “enlist”, to me it should start with a letter “I” but someone with more authority than me decided it looked better with an “E”.

The only other countries I've been to are Mexico and Canada but can tell you it was a little tough at times communicating since I don't speak much Spanish or French.

Here's my friend's take on our mixed up language:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ..

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

21) (I added this one) If he could read he would have read the book.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so... it is time to shut UP!

Oh... one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

June 22, 2009

My Mail Carrier Thinks I Need More Children

Back when my sons were in high school various organizations got our mailing address and started sending them credit card applications, the typical military “we need you” requests and college information. We also got a bunch of junk mail from people trying to sell them crap. The school swears they don’t give out addresses to companies, but I’m a little skeptical. I’m pretty sure advertiser’s aren’t telepathic.

For some weird reason along with my two boy’s mail I also started getting mail for a Trisha and Jeffrey. I asked my kids if there were any kids in their school by that name. I didn’t want Trisha and Jeffrey to miss out on their car loan requests or catalogues selling bikinis. Their school had a large graduating class so they or course didn’t know everyone. We even looked in their yearbooks (there was no one by either of those names).

When something would happen like an empty milk carton in the refrigerator or a mess in the living room. We’d blame it on Jeffrey. He was a very messy kid. We decided Trisha was the quiet one you never saw or heard a peep out of. She didn’t eat much either, but her brother ate all the cookies and left the crumbs on the counter for someone else to clean up. Jeffrey didn’t turn the television off when he was finished watching it or flush the toilet. He was really sneaky too and I could never find the boy to ground or make clean up these messes. His share of chores went undone as well.

Occasionally, I still get mail for Trisha and Jeffrey. They never write to me or come visit. I don’t get a phone call to see how I am, the ungrateful brats and after all I’ve done for them.

June 19, 2009

I Haven't Jumped Any Fences

First of all, I want to tell you, as much as I’d like to meet Michelle and Barrack Obama, I didn’t jump the fence at the White House. I haven’t even left Oklahoma all month. Cross my heart. I can think of several much more fun ways to get arrested if I feel like being bad.

For those of you going, “what?” Here’s the story. lol


A few times I have been accused of being a misogynist and for the record I don’t always side with men. Here’s an example:

Several years a go a guy came to my apartment when I was young, single and had people over quite a bit. He was bragging to another guy about how he goes out all the time leaving his “old lady” at home with the kids while he has affairs and does whatever he wants.

Being the outspoken young woman I was and feeling his spouse needed someone to speak up in her defense since she was “home with the kids” I had the following to say to Mr. Gigolo.

“What makes you think she’s sitting at home alone while you are out carousing? Maybe when you leave she has another man over or gets a sitter and goes out too.”

He got really mad stood up, pointed his finger at me and I gotta tell you he was a little scary but I had a room full of guys who would have carried him outside had he tried anything so I felt relatively safe. He says, “She knows she better not or I’ll kick her ass.”

I laughed at him. Yes I did. First of all because he was truly funny and second of all so it didn’t look like I was intimidated because I was just a little. He got up and left in a huff.

Now why would I remember something like that all these years later? I have asked myself this very question from time to time. Maybe it’s because I wonder why a man thinks he has the right to do these things while his woman only has eyes for him and sits home waiting for him to finally drag his sorry ass home. Maybe perhaps it’s because I worried a bit about the poor woman who I defended. Did the turd go home and smack her around because I planted an evil seed in his little brain? If so I would have felt really bad. How many years did she put up with him before she got tired of it all? Did she finally leave him?

So what do y’all think? Should I have kept quiet and not said anything?

June 15, 2009

Monday Ramblings

I am having a bit of writer’s block and my brain doesn’t seem to have anything to contribute to my blog today. It’s funny how sometimes I sit and think up several things to write about and then there are times like now when I can’t think of a thing to add.

The torrid love affair between my wife trading neighbors is still going strong although the two down the street seem to be more “engaged” than the couple next door. From the local gossip I’ve been hearing they get a bit carried away in the front yard sometimes.

Our church had to “let go” our youth director because he showed up at youth group three sheets to the wind. My daughter had returned from church camp with a bug so she didn’t attend that day. A few attentive parents noticed his behavior and stayed to help out and then afterwards drive him home. He seemed like a responsible person when we hired him and I wonder what is going on in his life that has prompted the change of conduct.

I don’t have a problem with drinking as most of you well know, but there is a time and place for such things and a youth meeting at church isn’t one of them.

My pastor has three bulging ruptured discs in her back and has to have surgery. She’s been in severe pain for a while now. I don’t know if she had an injury or just what caused it. She is only in her late 30’s and not over weight so I was surprised to hear about this.

Nothing terribly eventful going on at my house right now which depending on your view of things could be good. I’m leaning towards the idea that it’s a good thing while my teenage daughter would be happy for a bit more excitement. Sometimes boring is nice.

My husband bought a smoker that looks to me like a rectangle speaker. Jennifer thinks it looks like a small refrigerator. Not at all what I would think an outdoor cooking device should resemble.

I haven’t seen the three gray pigeons that were hanging around my bird feeder. I guess they have moved on. They were fun to watch for a change. We have a lot of cardinals, chickadees and blue jays. After Mark trimmed up the black jack tree we don’t have as many scissor tail fly catchers. They had a nest there. Hopefully he didn’t upset them too much and they will rebuild.

I haven’t seen as many squirrels this year. Not sure why.

Okay, now I’m just rambling. I will try to come up with something better for Friday’s blog. I never have any trouble finding material for Wednesday so not to worry there.

I hope y’all have a good week. ~peace~

June 12, 2009

Thankful For...

It seems lately we only hear all the doom and gloom on the news about the economy, foreign countries that might decide to wipe us out, or a deadly flu that could kill us, so I decided to do a thankful blog. Even with everything that’s going on there are plenty of things we can appreciate.

If you are online you have the Internet to be thankful for. It’s so important it’s supposed to be capitalized. It’s like cell phones and microwave ovens, we didn’t realize we had to have it until we got it. Now if our service is down we panic. Oh my God! We might have to talk to each another.

Most of us have our health. I haven’t heard of anyone I know catching the H1N1 flu. Some of us around here have a case of allergies but (knock on wood) no one has “the” flu.

I am thankful to still have my house in one piece. After the firestorm that raged through my town a few weeks a go I feel very fortunate to still have a place to hang my hat. Well, technically, I don’t wear a hat but if I wore one I’d have a place to hang it.

Our children don’t have to work in factories and have the privilege of free education. Sure we complain about the public school system because we are spoiled Americans and that’s what we do but there are countries that have to pay for their kids to go to school and if they can’t afford it their children go to work. Even the kids that go to school sometimes have to go from school to a job. We really don’t realize how good we have it. Some of you might argue that our taxes pay for their education, well yes this is true, but in some countries taxes go to other things.

Even if you can’t afford the latest styles you have clothes to wear and shoes on your feet. If you don’t, there are churches and organizations that give clothing away. Third world countries have naked and barefoot people that would be glad to have anything even if it’s not in style.

Food is available to everyone here. We have so much to eat some of us have to go on diets and exercise programs while there are starving people in other countries that spend much of their time figuring out where their next meal will come from.

We have plenty of space to live in. Drive to Midwestern America (I didn’t think Midwestern should be capitalized but my computer disagrees and that red line bothered me) and you will see miles and miles of undeveloped land as far as the eye can see. Some countries have so many people they are stacked on top of one another struggling for a square foot of space to stand on.

Many of us have a vehicle. It might not be the latest model or in pristine condition but if it gets you from point “A” to point “B” you have something to be thankful for.

Some of you have kids. Even though the little boogers can drive you to drink on occasion they are truly a blessing. They make us laugh when we are tired and sad. They can find amazement in the smallest of things. Take them to a park or zoo and it’s a whole new experience. They will point out sites you ordinarily would have missed. Of course if you don’t have a kid you can borrow a niece or nephew. The younger they are the more fun. I was at a restaurant last night and a baby behind me was laughing. Try to keep a straight face when you hear an infant giggle. I can’t do it.

Here’s an old song from the mid 70’s some of you may not have heard in a long time. You youngin’s have probably never heard it. There’s a disco version but I decided not to subject you to that. lol

June 8, 2009

Wife Swapping Neighbors

No it’s not about me… for a change.

My next-door neighbor is like a young Hilary Clinton, short blond hair, wide trunk and I’m surprised her boyfriend/husband has stuck around as long as he has because she’s a big Grouch. She’s always frowning and bossing him and their kids around.

I’m not sure if they are married because when they moved in about three years a go her kids came over here a lot and told me they were planning to get married. The kids were six and three at the time. I guess people don’t get married and THEN have children. That would be too “old fashioned”.

The woman never smiles and has a frown on her face all of the time. Her daddy owns the house and I’m not sure what kind of arrangement they have.

Her boyfriend/husband (we’ll call him BH from now on) has been gone for about three weeks (at least that’s how long I’ve noticed his truck being gone).

There were a few arguments between Grouchy Lady and BH some of which were quite loud with some very ugly words being yelled prior to his disappearance. Not sure what’s going on but things don’t look too good.

After about a week and a half a man down the street whose wife kicked him out several months a go for domestic abuse (I’ll tell you that story in a minute) was there with his roofing truck. At first I thought, “she’s going to have some work done.” Well… she’s having work done alright but it’s not on the roof, at least so far I haven’t seen them up there. He’s been there for several days in a row and the kids are gone. The other day they were standing in the garage smoking cigarettes and she had a SMILE on her face. I didn’t know she knew how.

Yesterday my oldest son came over and said that BH left Grouchy Lady for Abuse Man’s wife and has been living down there.

So I’m trying to figure this all out. Did Abuse Man decide that since BH is boinking his wife, turn about is fair play? Did they decide to trade wives? Is this a new arrangement I’m not aware of? I’m not always up on these new ideas. Is this what the bible means when it says, “Love thy neighbor”?

Here’s Abuse man and Holy Roller’s story:

July fourth last summer I met Abuse man in Nicholas and Christon’s front yard. He’s in his 30’s, a big flirt and was telling me his wife was a holy roller and they didn’t get along very well. (Not sure why I needed all this information upon first meeting him, but whatever). Abuse man likes to drink and party and Holy Roller likes to go to church every time the doors are open. (His words) She’s a very pretty thin girl in her early 30’s, with long brown hair and much cuter than Grouchy Lady. They also have two kids only much younger than Grouchy Lady and BH’s children.

One night a few weeks later we returned from Texas and took Nicholas and Christon home. They live across the street from Abuse Man and Holy Roller and while we were unloading their suitcases four police cars sped up the road with flashing lights but no siren. I had just woken up and I’m trying to figure out why the police are here and what in the world did we do? Finally I realized they were here for Abuse man and Holy Roller’s house.

We didn’t want to stand around in their front yard being too obvious (hey, I’m nosey but I have my limits) so Christon said she would call and let me know what happens. After a while, the police escorted Abuse Man out of the house with a few belongings and he only returned once to get the rest of his stuff later with a cop escort.

I don’t even need to turn on the television, my neighbors are so interesting. It’s like a real life reality show.

Anyway, so now, because I don’t have anything exciting going on in my own life besides doctor’s appointments I’m being the nosey neighbor craning my neck to see what’s going on next door. I need therapy or at the very least some excitement.

June 5, 2009

All Of My Doctors Are Turning Into Men

No, they aren’t having sex changes, at least not that I know of.

Here’s the deal.

Once upon a time (all good stories start out that way) I went to an old guy doctor cause I didn’t feel comfortable with young physicians looking at my hooha and back then all doctors were men; at least here where I live. I had in my silly young head that old guys didn’t think about sex so I was safe. lol

Eventually, as happens with older doctors, he retired and I had to find another one. A friend recommended one that was really good and would write me a prescription for anything I wanted (yes he really does and he’s not taking any new patients so you are out of luck) the only problem was he’s my age, give or take. Darn. Luckily, another friend had a woman gynecologist she went to and my troubles were over, for a while.

Unfortunately, I’m not the only woman in the state of Oklahoma that doesn’t want a man doctor looking between her legs so my female gyno soon became very popular… and very full. If you aren’t having babies (the biggest money maker) you are put at the back of the list of importance and it became harder and harder to get an appointment.

I finally became very perturbed a couple of weeks a go when I was going to have to wait eight months to get in and my yearly appointment is supposed to be June. This throws my whole schedule off and makes me anxious. I figured what the hell and asked if all the doctors are that booked up. Oh no, the men doctors have plenty of openings. Surprise, surprise.

What the hell, I made an appointment with a man, no problem I can get in anytime. When would I like to come in? Wow.

I read an article a few months a go that said that colleges were discouraging men from becoming gyn/ob doctors because they had a hard time getting patients. Now that more and more women are going to medical school, women prefer them. Maybe I’ll get better care since he has plenty of time on his hands. I’ll try not to think about what he’s doing between the stirrups.

Doctor number two:

Once upon a time I had a man dentist. He went to my church and practiced in my town just a mile down the road. How convenient. Well, some of you may have heard that the suicide rate among dentists is very high. I can tell you from first hand experience, yes it is. My dentist shot himself in the head out on his land about fifteen years a go. It was really sad. It’s bad enough to have your dentist do him self in but when you know them personally it’s even harder. His wife still goes to my church.

A woman dentist took over his practice in his same office and I’ve had her up until this week. She has decided to cut her work schedule way back so she can travel and a new young man fresh out of dental college has come in to help with the extra work. I probably sound like an old lady but he’s the age of my oldest son. I half expected to see him dribble a ball or grab up a Gameboy. God I feel old.

What the heck, I’m giving him a shot but just realized I no longer have women doctors. It’s going to be strange.

This song has nothing to do with doctors. I just like it. It’s a little slow getting started but if you give it a chance I think you’ll like it too.

June 1, 2009

Some Weird Stuff

This little parakeet was abandoned by it’s own mama because he looks a little different. I think he’s cute.

He looks like a little dust mop.

This man was hired to get rid of annoying monkeys. He scares me.

I want to eat at this restaurant. The employees work really cheap.

This man was arrested for trying to clean up a park in Ohio.

Here’s some silly information that you could live without but I’m going to give it to you anyway.

Popeye’s nephews were Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Poopeye.

A penny now costs more to produce then it’s value.

The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog,” uses every letter of the alphabet.

The sloth moves so slow that green algae grows on its fur.

The average American/Canadian eats about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year. Would you pass the Cherrios, please?

Thomas Edison the light bulb inventor was afraid of the dark. When you have a problem you find a solution.

There are more plastic flamingoes in America than real ones. (I don’t have any lawn flamingoes in my yard.)

A sneeze travels at about 100 miles per hour. Dude, cover your mouth.