June 8, 2009

Wife Swapping Neighbors

No it’s not about me… for a change.

My next-door neighbor is like a young Hilary Clinton, short blond hair, wide trunk and I’m surprised her boyfriend/husband has stuck around as long as he has because she’s a big Grouch. She’s always frowning and bossing him and their kids around.

I’m not sure if they are married because when they moved in about three years a go her kids came over here a lot and told me they were planning to get married. The kids were six and three at the time. I guess people don’t get married and THEN have children. That would be too “old fashioned”.

The woman never smiles and has a frown on her face all of the time. Her daddy owns the house and I’m not sure what kind of arrangement they have.

Her boyfriend/husband (we’ll call him BH from now on) has been gone for about three weeks (at least that’s how long I’ve noticed his truck being gone).

There were a few arguments between Grouchy Lady and BH some of which were quite loud with some very ugly words being yelled prior to his disappearance. Not sure what’s going on but things don’t look too good.

After about a week and a half a man down the street whose wife kicked him out several months a go for domestic abuse (I’ll tell you that story in a minute) was there with his roofing truck. At first I thought, “she’s going to have some work done.” Well… she’s having work done alright but it’s not on the roof, at least so far I haven’t seen them up there. He’s been there for several days in a row and the kids are gone. The other day they were standing in the garage smoking cigarettes and she had a SMILE on her face. I didn’t know she knew how.

Yesterday my oldest son came over and said that BH left Grouchy Lady for Abuse Man’s wife and has been living down there.

So I’m trying to figure this all out. Did Abuse Man decide that since BH is boinking his wife, turn about is fair play? Did they decide to trade wives? Is this a new arrangement I’m not aware of? I’m not always up on these new ideas. Is this what the bible means when it says, “Love thy neighbor”?

Here’s Abuse man and Holy Roller’s story:

July fourth last summer I met Abuse man in Nicholas and Christon’s front yard. He’s in his 30’s, a big flirt and was telling me his wife was a holy roller and they didn’t get along very well. (Not sure why I needed all this information upon first meeting him, but whatever). Abuse man likes to drink and party and Holy Roller likes to go to church every time the doors are open. (His words) She’s a very pretty thin girl in her early 30’s, with long brown hair and much cuter than Grouchy Lady. They also have two kids only much younger than Grouchy Lady and BH’s children.

One night a few weeks later we returned from Texas and took Nicholas and Christon home. They live across the street from Abuse Man and Holy Roller and while we were unloading their suitcases four police cars sped up the road with flashing lights but no siren. I had just woken up and I’m trying to figure out why the police are here and what in the world did we do? Finally I realized they were here for Abuse man and Holy Roller’s house.

We didn’t want to stand around in their front yard being too obvious (hey, I’m nosey but I have my limits) so Christon said she would call and let me know what happens. After a while, the police escorted Abuse Man out of the house with a few belongings and he only returned once to get the rest of his stuff later with a cop escort.

I don’t even need to turn on the television, my neighbors are so interesting. It’s like a real life reality show.

Anyway, so now, because I don’t have anything exciting going on in my own life besides doctor’s appointments I’m being the nosey neighbor craning my neck to see what’s going on next door. I need therapy or at the very least some excitement.

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