February 20, 2009

Over Weight Disciples and Gorilla Lovers


I have some old Christian pictures on my walls. None are heirlooms. I’ve bought them over the years from vintage shops. The Lord’s Supper used to hang on the north wall without any incident, but after painting the dining room and rearranging the furniture I put it on the west wall. As you can see it’s crooked. I have lost count of the number of times I have straightened that frame.

One day at dinner, I explained what I had decided was the matter. You see Luke, the guy on the far right (no I don’t know for sure if that is Luke, but this is my silly story so I can name him anything I want), has been eating too much bread. He seems like the kind of man with a healthy appetite. The guy next to him, we’ll call him James, is standing up pointing to the table and telling Luke, “You really need to lay off the bread, dude, the whole painting is going down hill.”

Luke of course thinks they are all over reacting and is holding his hands up, “what?” Matthew, the guy at the other end is trying his best to hold the table down. See his hands on the table? And half of the disciples are giving Luke dirty looks.

Actually, the house has probably settled, but this story is much more fun don’t you think?

I just love some of the stupid advertisements I’ve seen lately. For instance, one woman “cured” her wrinkles forever. I wasn’t aware it was an illness and I am pretty sure she’s going to get them back at some point in her life.

Then there’s the one that says take this pill and eat anything you want and never gain an ounce without exercising. Uh-huh. Sure you can. Does the pill make a person regurgitate the food they’ve eaten? Because if not it’s going to show up somewhere, like on your BUTT.

I’m allergic to the sun and according to my eye doctor it’s from the cave man days when they came out and sneezed to clear their sinuses of mildew. Which really made me feel great knowing I haven’t quite evolved. Must explain why I pay hundreds of dollars to my aesthetician. Just give me a tail and I can swing from the trees scratching my armpits with the rest of the apes. Probably why the gorilla had his eye on me the last time we went to the zoo. His face was pressed up against the glass giving me that look. You girls know the one. I kept telling him I wasn’t his type but he didn’t seem to care. I wonder if he has conjugal visits?