March 30, 2009

Don't Mess With Granny's Man

If you watch Jay Leno you may have already heard this story. It cracked me up.

In Dayton, Ohio Edith Mitchell, 78 came home with her 72 year old boyfriend (they don’t give Mr. Stud’s name) when another woman (they don’t tell her name either) who is 73 comes up and starts punching Ms. Mitchell in the face telling her, “Get out of the car, bitch, that’s my man.” So then Edith goes inside to get her gun. The other woman takes the gun away from Edith causing the gun to go off. The police said they were both lucky no one was killed.

The other woman took off before the police arrived but they have a description of her car and know where she lives.

Can you imagine two little old ladies duking it out over some old dude? This guy must really be something to be stringing two women along for two years. Is there a shortage of single breathing senior citizen guys in Dayton? Does he have a prescription for Viagra? I hope they were practicing safe sex.

Senior citizens have got it going on. I think I already told y’all about my 90 year-old Grandma Lowery that had a 74 year-old boyfriend. She was taking care of him until she died. She never did go to a convalescent home. One morning she just didn’t wake up.

Here's the article along with a short video of Edith.

March 27, 2009

Can I Help You?

I looked real hard after I got home but couldn’t find the sign that must be hanging around my neck.

While shopping I was stopped by four men asking for help.

Man number one has three earrings in each ear, a stud in one eyebrow and a ring in his lower lip and he asks me, “Do you know anything about pillows?”
“Well, I sleep on one.”
Man number one:
“I need to know what kind I should sleep on.”
It depends on how you sleep. I sleep on my stomach so I like a feather pillow because it’s not too thick. If you sleep on your side you would need one a little thicker so you don’t wake up with a crick in your neck.
There was more to the conversation but I won’t bore you with pillow talk.

A little later I saw him asking another woman with long brown hair about shoelaces. I noticed he didn’t have a pillow in his buggy. Hm, must have a thing for brunettes with long hair.

In the frozen foods section I meet another man, a tall dark guy in jogging pants and a black T-shirt.
Man number two asks me if I would help him.
His wife had surgery and can’t cook. He didn’t know anything about cooking and needed to know what he should buy and how to cook it?

I won’t bore y’all with the whole story but I helped him pick out some things that wouldn’t be too hard to prepare and told him what to do.

Later in the hardware store I meet another man.
Man number three asks me if I know anything about roses.
Why yes I do. Lol So I proceed to tell Mr. Three all I know about roses including the fact that the picture on the Tropicana rose package is not accurate because it should be an orange one and not red.

I’m such a know it all.

So I’ll be darned if I don’t get out to the parking lot and there’s an old guy, probably in his eighties leaning on a cane looking at my car. Parked across the lane is his car, which just happens to be a red RAV4 and he asks me all kinds of questions about what features my car has since mine is a Limited and his isn’t. Cars aren’t my thing so I can’t remember all the junk the dealer told us at the lot and I’m not much help.

Now if he wanted to know about bed pillows, microwave meals or roses I could have helped him, but unfortunately I know very little about cars.

I’m still trying to find that sign.

March 23, 2009

Renting My Armoire And My Cell Phone Loves ZZ Top

Some women just love to move furniture around. My friend Kim couldn’t understand why I kept my living room the same all the time.

I would go over to her house and she would be huffing and puffing moving her stuff all around and I’m thinking, “why?” The only time I shift things around is if I have to. Like when I replace the floor or move.

First of all I have this big ass armoire that takes four men to move. I am not kidding it is really heavy. Mark tried to talk me out of it and said it was too big, but oh no, I had to have it. It holds a very large television, (I know I should be able to tell you the size, but that involves numbers and y’all know I don’t do numbers) a DVD player, VCR (yeah we still have one of those), a receiver, a CD player that holds a whole lot of them (I forget what it’s called) and a lot of CD’s and DVD’s.

I don’t even watch T.V. in the living room because there are too many remote controls and I can’t figure them all out. You have to have one to turn the television on and another one for the receiver for the sound and I think the DVD player is somehow involved. It’s too complicated. The only time I watch that one is if someone else is here to operate it. Nicholas tried to give me a class but some things are just beyond my comprehension.

I’ve decided if things get really rough I can rent the armoire out to a small family. It has three really big shelves. I’ll throw in meals since it might be a fire hazard to cook in there.

I like to think that when I close the doors a portal opens up in the back kind of like on Narnia. So far I haven’t seen any talking animals or hooved people and it isn’t for the lack of looking.

This story was so much more amusing running through my head the other day. That happens sometimes I’ll think I have something really funny to tell but when it leaves my mouth it falls like a deflated balloon. And that’s when you say, “I guess you’d have had to have been there.” (I’m pretty sure that last sentence isn’t grammatically correct, but that’s how I talk so I’m leaving it in.) Of course that doesn’t always work either because what some people find amusing isn’t always funny to others. I’ve decided there are those who just don’t have a sense of humor and no matter what kind of story you tell there’s no making them laugh.

My cell phone has a mind of it’s own. I’ve downloaded quite a few songs and artists, set the player to random but my phone just loves ZZ Top. Now I wouldn’t have put them on there if I didn’t agree but after a while you can wear out a group. Every third or fourth song played is ZZ Top. There are some groups on there I have yet to hear, but it will play songs it likes over and over again. It’s also partial to Led Zeppelin and Eurythmics. I thought it was just mine but Mark’s MP3 player loves the Moody Blues.

I would delete them from my player but then I’m afraid my phone might retaliate and not let me know when I get a call. It has done that before. I really don’t want to upset the little guy. Electronic gadgets don’t like me.

Does your MP3 player have certain songs or groups they are partial to? I swear they are taking over the world and we just don’t know it yet.

March 20, 2009

Oklahoma is For Guys

Oklahoma City was voted the third manliest city in the nation. Having major league teams, tool and hardware stores pulled us up in the ranks according to Mars Snackfood U.S. Company that gave the rating.

They took points off for mini vans, furniture stores and beauty magazine subscriptions. I guess manly men sit on rocks and creek banks either that or they just leave the home furnishings to the women folk.

We have a lot of pick up trucks and off road vehicles. Even at my house we have two trucks (my SUV is technically a truck, does that make me one of the guys?) and two sports cars.

There is a lot for men to do around here, much more for guys than women. We have dozens of lakes and places to hunt. Most events that come to town are geared to the male taste like motocross meets and monster truck rallies. It’s a redneck’s paradise.

We have lots of great steak houses around since we have so many cattle ranches. There are even cows in Oklahoma City.

The speed boat races will be returning. A couple of years a go a guy died in an accident and they skipped the event this past summer, but after much moaning and groaning from the fans, they are bringing it back.

Stores are pretty limited to the basics around here. We generally go to Texas for any serious shopping.

New York city rated in last place. Probably all those art museums and Broadway musicals counted against them. Not to mention all the fashion shows and fancy restaurants. Guys don’t want fluff, they just want barbecue and beer.

Here’s a great Oklahoma band, Flaming Lips. They have newer songs but this one is my favorite. I like the drums in it. The sound isn't great because it's live.

March 16, 2009

For My Amusement and Maybe Yours

Don’t get excited. Even though I mention church and God a couple of times this is a funny blog. I’m the last person qualified to preach to anyone. So far the walls haven’t fallen in when I walk in the door. Maybe God thinks one of these days I’ll repent and change my ways. It could happen.

In church Sunday my pastor was giving a sermon on hearing the voice of God. She said that Lilly Tomlin asked the question, ”Why is it when we talk to God its prayer, but when God talks to us its schizophrenia?”

During the prayer she asked God to open our ears to hear him calling us and right on cue a woman’s cell phone starts ringing playing Carrie Underwood’s song “Jesus Take the Wheel.” I had to hold my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Looking around I noticed a few other people snickering too.

God never calls me on my cell phone. Mostly the people that call me are my kids and husband and it doesn’t play any churchy songs like Ms. Underwood sings. When my phone rings you hear Robert Plant singing “Hey, Hey Mama.” Black Dog is more my style.

So I pondered whether God ever tries to talk to me and I decided the answer was no unless he’s an old pervert cause typically the thoughts running through my head would only be found in the book of Song of Solomon.

Funny how King James scribes wouldn’t allow the book that talks about Mary Magdalene being a disciple but were okay with soft porn. Ah well, it gives me something to read when the sermon gets a little boring.

Sometimes I feel like I should be sitting on the back row with the teenagers but my daughter would complain. Between you and me, I think I’m more fun than she is anyway.

March 13, 2009

You Can't Bring Yesterday Back

Do you ever put things off and put them off until you realize it’s right around the corner and then you panic? Some people are more prone to this than others. I’m not sure why.

It would make me anxious if I waited until the last minute to do something especially if other people were counting on me and I knew I’d have several pairs of eyes looking at me if it weren’t done and done well.

There are those of us who are great at planning and have everything organized and filed in a neat little folder they carry around and all you have to do is ask them and they pull out the paperwork with dates, times and a list of names and places. You can count on them to have everything in order and done right.

Then there are those who wait until the last minute and other people have to scramble around helping them find volunteers or places for events to take place. They make me nervous just watching them in action. I wonder if when they go on a trip if they throw some clothes in a bag right before they are supposed to leave and then because they didn’t make a list and check it twice of course they’ve forgotten some things and have to borrow from other people or go to the store upon arrival. I draw the line at loaning out my toothbrush.

Do they wait until the cupboards are bare before buying groceries or the car is sitting on E before pulling into the gas station? Do they wait until a couple of days before the prom to call girls for a date? Are they the people you see on Christmas Eve running around trying to get their shopping done?

Makes me wonder if they are cut with a different cookie cutter. Were they always that way? Possibly one of those late deliveries, you know a ten-month baby making their mothers miserable. Perhaps they were always late for kindergarten. Couldn’t find their other shoe or book bag. The other kids were already on their way to the park to play but Johnny Come Lately is still trying to find his glove.

Sometimes watching a butterfly flitter by or an airplane soar past is much more interesting than obligations.

March 9, 2009

Facebook Wants Your Real Name Not the Fake One Your Parents Gave You

Not everyone is comfortable using his or her real names online, but Facebook doesn’t care. If your name doesn’t sound real they will deny you.

Most sites ask you what name you want to go by after you’ve filled in the little boxes. Not Facebook.

What if you are hiding from old lovers and don’t want to be found?

Even names that sound fictitious but are in fact real have been denied use on Facebook. Pancake, Super, Batman, Yoda and Three are a few that have had to dicker with the social network in order to use their “real” names.

Some people gave up and used a fake name so they could start up an account. Kind of defeats their whole purpose I think.

Some people name their kids crazy things, what will they do if they decide to open an account with Facebook?

A few names that were allowed were, Starkiller Unleashed. Dennis Ilovfakemiddlenames Lewis and Mojo Martini. Who knows if those are real names or not? In this day and age it’s quite possible.

Just what is the big deal anyway? What difference does it make to them if it’s your real name or not?

They are so rigid on this that some have had to fax their driver’s license proving who they are. Seems a bit ridiculous to me.

March 6, 2009

Free TV a Thing of the Past

I should have known it would happen. Nothing remains free for long.

As you all know, unless you’ve been on a deserted island for the past few months, television is in the process of switching to digital blah blah blah. It’s all Greek to me and the only thing I do understand is that it’s screwed up my shows.

Supposedly, if you buy a new television or a magic box that attaches to your old T.V. you can view all of your regular free channels just like old times. Well, we bought a new one a few months back and a week a go some of our local channels did the old switcheroo. We can only see two of the channels, well three, if you count that crazy religious channel nobody watches anyway, that have not changed yet.

I have now missed two episodes of Big Bang Theory because my stupid new T.V. doesn’t want to play that channel and the network is too tight to put it on the internet.

It’s okay. I think I will survive. Maybe. More than likely one of the shows is a rerun anyway. Funny how they sneak those in every few weeks. Whatever happened to reruns being in the summer time? How often do these people need to take a vacation anyway? Sorry if I seem just a little bit testy.

So we either have to pay for cable or buy a satellite if we want to watch anything. We’ve done fine without pay television so far because we don’t watch that much, but it is nice to know what’s going on in the big wide world and there is that occasion when the wind decides to whip itself into an ice cream cone shape and tear the shit out of everything. I kind of like to know if I need to crawl in my bathtub or not.

Have y’all had good luck with this new digital nightmare they’ve decided we all need? Don’t tell me, let me guess, you all have cable.

I’m not the only person pissed off about this. A man got so mad he took out his shotgun and started shooting his T.V. and the police and SWAT team showed up. They thought maybe he was murdering his family or something. At least I don’t have a gun. Lucky for my neighbors.

Here's a great old song. I don't like the derogatory "F" word they use but it's pretty good if you overlook that part.

March 2, 2009

The Straight and Curly Of It

My hair at first glance appears to be thin until you start rolling it up then you realize there is quite a bit there. My hair is just skinny, kind of like me.

I never seem to be happy with it, when it’s straight which is natural, I want it curly, but then after getting a permanent I want my old hair back.

Lately I’ve noticed a few more gray hairs and have contemplated dying it. The trouble with changing my hair color is that my hair grows very fast and I would have to touch up the roots often.

I’ve had it blond and I’ve had it streaked, which is almost blond. Oddly, I’ve never dyed it a darker color like black or dark brown.

I’m not alone in this. Many people are unsatisfied with their hair, which is why beauticians have so many clients.

I’ll probably put up with the color for a while longer. No one else seems to notice the gray like I do. When I look in the mirror and brush them they stand up and yell, “Look at me!” They are thicker than my brown hairs, pushing them aside and sticking out. I never knew gray hair could be so rude.

I read a blog on whether men preferred straight or curly hair on women. According to this woman’s research, men prefer straight hair. I haven’t noticed a difference in attention whether I had flat or fluffy hair, but do know that my husband prefers straight hair. I always assumed it was because his hair is curly. Here’s her blog:

Why is it when men turn gray and get wrinkles they are “distinguished” but when women get them we are just “old”? Sigh, I guess I’ll go sit in my rocking chair.

Mark’s brother looks just like Jerry Garcia only his hair is much longer and still mostly black. It’s not just me, everyone thinks so. Someday I’ll dig out a picture of him and show you.