May 4, 2009

Pregnant Women Have Lost Their Minds

In case you haven’t talked to anyone that is expecting a baby you might not be up on the new lingo. First of all, no one is five months pregnant anymore. They are however many weeks add up to five months. To a math challenged individual like myself this can be very confusing. What the hell happened to months? What’s next? Counting days? Now I gotta get out my calculator.

I realize there are a few new things going on in the world like test tube babies, surrogate mothers and women having litters but for the most part you get pregnant the same way and they come out the same way.

One thing that drives me nuts is when people say, “we’re pregnant.” Really? So does he take his turn carrying the little bladder puncher? Does he have to go to the bathroom fifty times a day? Is he eating peanut butter and dill pickle on a Ritz cracker like it’s delicious when he hates pickles? Does he get crazy mood swings that make him cry for no apparent reason other than the fact he’s locked the keys in the car for the third time this month and had to call his wife from work because a lock smith charges a fortune? Has he gained so much weight he looks like a beached whale? I didn’t think so.

Let him push a baby out of his pee hole and then he can say, “We’re pregnant.”

What’s up with pregnant girls wearing belly blouses? Do they really think that’s sexy? Are they trying to pick up men? Honey, I think that’s what got you in this shape to begin with. Didn’t you learn your lesson? Now go put some clothes on, some of us are trying to eat.

And stop giving your babies stupid names! These were recently seen on the latest census report. What are people thinking? I would not be able to yell to little Wanna Funk or Sexy Chambers for dinner with a straight face.

Wanna Funk
United States
Lotta Bacon
Hysteria Johnson
Waitress Seholley
Nail Rambo
Jump Jump
Tackle Feigenbutz
Mustard M.Mustard
Jelly Bean Cook
Fat Meat Fields
Geography Bryan
Zero Pie
Cylinder Klinefelter
Nice Veal
Cylclops Walthour
Envy Burger
Cancer Grindstaff
Young Boozer
Dracula Taylor
Peach Skeeters
Watermelon Pete McNeil
Experience Fairweathers
Limbo Holloway
Bluebell Plopper
Beauty Outlaw
Darth Wilson
Christian Devil
Welcome Darling
Sexy Chambers
Love Catts
Permelia Buckaroo

Paul Anka- Having My Baby:

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